So far, school has been going about as well as I expected it to – which is to say, fairly well. As far as I know, I’m essentially acing the classes that I signed up for. I did drop my accounting class – partially because I wasn’t learning the material quickly enough for my taste, and partially because I absolutely hated the way that the instructor was teaching it.
A few weeks ago, I was over at Joe’s house on Wednesday night to hang out and play Smash and such. His brother Jeff was preoccupied with his laptop, and eventually I wandered over to see what was holding his attention. He showed me coding that he’d been working on, and mentioned that there was a bug somewhere, and I eagerly pulled up a chair to try and help debug it. About 10-15 minutes later, we succeeded. That brief experience was enough to remind me of how much I enjoy coding, and programming. Now I find something facing a dilemma. I’d decided to switch to an accounting career path. Do I look, again, at changing that? If so, the classes I’m taking this semester could potentially be a huge waste of time and money. If not, I have to take the accounting class again – and what if I still don’t get it? What if I don’t like it? The last thing I want to do is get into a job that I don’t enjoy again.
I’ve put so much pressure on myself to succeed in school. I have to. I can’t fail.
For the past several months, I’ve forced myself to be distant from the person that I am still in love with, believing that it would be for the best until I was secure in my ability to not only live my life without her, but thrive. I cannot, will not, let codependency define who I am. I started taking the steps necessary to achieve that goal – I quit my job, where I was terribly unhappy. I’ve begun to go back to school. I’m working out at least 2-3 times a week to lose the weight that I’ve put on. All of these are steps in the right direction… but it hasn’t been enough.
When scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, the mere sight of her name would always send a wrench through my gut. I’d feel such an intense sense of loss, of longing, of desire, that it would twist my insides into knots. Every single time. This, I knew wasn’t “normal”, or healthy. It represented, to me, an attachment that was still much too strong. Of course I know that I want to be with her. I’ve known that for years. But being with her at the expense of myself isn’t something that I can realistically do, or ask her to endure.
But then, tonight. I got home from a long day at Anvil. I’m exhausted, both from running the tournament (which I shouldn’t have needed to do) and from the drive. I’m scrolling through Facebook, idly seeing things… and then it hits me in the face. Sonya is in a relationship. My insides twisted again, but this time it didn’t feel like a knot – no, it felt like someone had stabbed me with a knife. I struggled to maintain a steady breathing pattern but I felt the unmistakable beginnings of an anxiety attack stir to life inside of me. The woman that I love is, once again, in a relationship with someone else.
This is the third person since we last broke up. I thought that we might have had the rekindlings of something, especially when she came over to play cards one night. But I suppose not. True, we went two and a half months without talking – but that was as much on her as it was on me. She never reached out to say hi, or anything of the sort. I can’t be the one solely responsible for initiating conversation.
… So, by that token, if she’d wanted to talk to me, she would have.
So she doesn’t really want anything to do with me.
I guess that’s just how it is. I guess the sooner I fully accept that the sooner I can move on.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
For whatever reason, I haven’t remembered many of my dreams lately. That’s a change from how I used to be – it used to be that I’d wake up with a pretty clear memory of my dreams every night. But that stopped happening at some point, and last night’s dream is the first that I’ve been able to vividly remember for quite some time.
A large number of the MD/VA people were participating in some kind of motorcycle race. It was a longer one, where we had to ride for quite some time just to get there, and we stopped to check a map, Breath of the Wild-style, multiple times. The thing that I remember most vividly from the dream was the feeling of being on the motorcycle and really just opening it up. The feeling of power, of being a part of that, of letting go and losing myself to the experience, was intoxicating. My mind being what it is, of course, near the end of the dream I passed a couple of police officers (along with everyone else) and it scared me – but they didn’t come after us. We were about to get on a highway and really go for it when we received notice that one of our members’ race was starting soon. As we went to turn around and head back to the starting position, I woke up to an insistently beeping pair of alarm clocks. I was late for work.
It was worth it. Taking motorcycle lessons is something I’ve thought about doing many times in my life, and this might have been the catalyst for me to make it happen.