Full Circle

About six hours until I fly out to Michigan.  I’m a little nervous, because I’m always a little nervous when I’m a.) flying, and b.) going to a bigger Smash event, but I think I’ve got an alright handle on it.  I’m packed (and I made a concerted effort to pack light for once) and have plenty of entertainment.  I have money for food, and my hotel room is set.  Really, the only thing that will be missing throughout the weekend will be regular human contact, since I’m staying in a room by myself.  That’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but it’s an interesting turn that somewhat mimics my home situation.

Cinnamon is leaving by the end of March, but for all intents and purposes, it’s almost like she’s already left, minus her stuff still being in the room.  For the past two weeks, she hasn’t spent a single night (that I’m aware of) at the house.  I don’t know where she’s been staying.  It’s really not my concern.  When I told her about wanting her to leave, she referenced that our friendship had become strained, which is somewhat accurate  – but now I find myself wondering if that’s really the case.

She mentioned that “it seemed like (I) didn’t want (her) around”.  She assumed that if we spent time together, I’d want to cuddle or do other physical things, despite conversations we’d had where we agreed that wouldn’t happen.  She flat out denied that she ignored people to focus on her boyfriend, even though it’s obvious to anyone who knows her.  To me, these aren’t real claims.  They’re excuses that she’s making to herself to convince herself that this isn’t her fault.  If she can spread the blame to someone else, she can delude herself into thinking that her way of life isn’t inherently flawed (hint: it is) and that she can just keep what she’s doing and not grow up and be an adult (hint: she can’t).

What’s most telling to me, though, is that I’m able to recognize this for what it is.  In years past, I likely would have not only accepted the blame for the split, but actively put it on myself, wondering what I could have done better.  But that isn’t the case here.  I can objectively recognize that she was willingly using me, as much as she could, and that once I realized it I was justified in ending it.  That’s the entire story – really, the entire story of our “friendship”.  She freely admits to using people as much as she can to get what she needs.  Why would I be any different?  It’d be stupid to believe that I’d be some magical exception, but the sad part is that for a while, I did.  Wizard’s First Rule, again – people will believe anything, either because they fear it to be true, or wish it to be true.  But I woke up, and now I’m kicking her out and I’m really happy about it.

Isolation?  So be it.  I’ll live alone again, but I won’t look at it as a bad thing.  I’ll look at it as the best correction to a flawed situation and make the most of it.  I think that’s the best course of action that I can take right now.

Also coming full circle is a situation involving Sonya.  It’s one that inevitably comes to mind whenever I fly, and it came up again recently, but this time there’s a twist.  One of my fondest early memories of her is a week when she took a trip up to New Hampshire to visit family.  We were out of touch for a week, and I wrote small things to her every day, because I missed her.  Somewhat on a whim, I made plans to pick her up from the airport, and despite several pitfalls I did just that.  Her excitement and happiness at seeing me in the airport terminal, combined with the joy and love in the hug we shared, is etched into my very soul.

This became somewhat of a bittersweet thing after we broke up, because every time I landed at Dulles and exited into the terminal, the memory would play in my head, clear as day, bringing with it a wave of conflicting emotions.  This time will likely be similar, but it may not be as bad this time around.  An idle comment that I left her yesterday led to a conversation this morning, and has resolved into the determination that she will dtop me off at the airport today, and pick me back up on Sunday.  I’m grateful for this, because it will save me a fair bit of money, but there’s more to it than that.  I feel like we’re getting back to the point where we can talk and be friends again, and I’ve missed that terribly.  Having that small portion of happiness back will almost certainly dull the edge of the memory I cherish.  I’m hopeful.

There’s work to be done, but I have no motivation to do it.  I’d love to take a nap, but in lieu of that, I’ll sip on my water and push through the day.  Only two and a half hours of work left, until I see Sonya and get on my way.  I can’t wait.

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