Death

Earlier in the week, we received news that my Aunt Gladys had been taken to the hospital.  She was home, apparently, when she just slumped over and became unresponsive.  Then news came that the hospital in Manassas couldn’t do anything for her, and she was being transferred to the larger facility in Fairfax.  That’s rarely a good sign, and sure enough, they told us that she was unresponsive and that there wasn’t much they could do but make her comfortable and wait.

Less than 24 hours later, she was gone, and I never even had the chance to say goodbye to her.

I kept it pent up throughout the week.  Work was, at times, a distraction from everything, but it became a slog to get through the day.  I found myself staring at the computer screen so much that every day involved a headache from my unfocused gaze lingering on the screen.  I went to the normal weekly tournaments and did respectably well in spite of my headaches and emotions.  I went to work today unsure of whether I would attend the funeral – doing so would mean leaving work early, and we’d been told we wouldn’t be allowed to do that, as we were short-staffed.  I did leave early, though, and got there just in time for the service.

It’s strange.  I hadn’t had much contact with my Aunt lately, but standing there, it really hit me that she’s gone.  All the memories I have of her flooded back and my knees literally buckled for a moment before I caught myself, cursing myself for the show of weakness.  i barely remember the service, aside from the horrible singer, and then we drove to Quantico cemetary for the service.  I felt so very out of place in all of this, surrounded by family that I don’t know; strangers that I only see when someone’s life is extinguished.

The day has been a blur.  I’ve only had one person actually care, which… … really disappoints me, actually.  I would have hoped that more people would, but I suppose that I shouldn’t expect to be as much of a priority in people’s lives.  Furthermore, I’ve had multiple people message me for various reasons, most of them looking for advice about the game I play.  One person in particular wanted information about a teammate of mine, but didn’t want me relaying information back to him.  When I wouldn’t promise that, he spoke to a mutual friend, and essentially called me a dick.

The mutual friend told this to me, and all of the stress that had been building up was just too much.  I snapped.  I knew I shouldn’t, but I messaged the person and blew him up for saying that.  This, of course, upset the mutual friend, who was outed as having told me what he said; she made the comment “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you”, which set me off even further.  The anger tipped over to my feelings of her, and I had to keep myself from typing hurtful things that were unnecessary.  Inside, though, I was raging.  She had previously cut off contact with me, citing the reasoning that because I hadn’t initiated contact for some time, I obviously didn’t care, and that I didn’t “feel like a friend”.  This solidified it in my mind; we weren’t going to work as friends.  But I didn’t have the energy to get into a fight at that point, and just walked away from it all.

It’s late at night.  I’m in an empty house; fitting, because I feel completely alone at the moment.  My head is pounding.  I should be cold, but I don’t feel it right now; I feel numb.  I’m very likely dehydrated.  All I can think about is the future, and how much it scares me.  My aunt wasn’t that much older than other people in my closer, immediate family.  It may not be long, in the grand scheme of things, before I’ll have to endure more losses.  It’s hard enough to go through that regularly, but it was much worse today.  I can’t imagine doing it.

I’m terrified of what the future will hold, because I know it’s coming, and all too quickly.